"I Was Raised to Be Polite. It Almost Got Me Killed."

A survivor's warning to every woman taught to smile, stay quiet, and "not make a scene"

Rachel Simmons February 2025

I was walking to my car after a late shift when I noticed him.

Thirty feet behind me. Just... walking. Same direction.

"You're being paranoid," I told myself. "He's probably just going to his car too."

My stomach tightened. My heart started racing. Every instinct in my body was screaming: Something is wrong.

But instead of listening to that voice—the one that's protected women for thousands of years—I did what I'd been trained to do my entire life:

I made excuses for him.

Don't be rude. You'll look crazy. What if he's just a normal guy and you make him feel bad?

So I slowed down. I even smiled when he caught up to me.

God forbid I make a stranger uncomfortable.

Here's what nobody tells young girls:

The same conditioning that makes you "likable" can get you killed.

From the time we're toddlers, we learn different rules than boys. Be nice. Don't make a scene. Give him a chance. You're being dramatic.

We're taught to override our survival instincts because we might hurt someone's feelings.

Predators know this. They count on it.

The man who followed me that night wasn't confused about where his car was. He was testing me. Watching to see if I'd been properly trained.

Would I speak up? Run? Make a scene?

Or would I smile and make myself an easy target?

I did exactly what he expected.

A security guard happened to walk by at exactly the right moment. That's the only reason I'm writing this today.

After that night, I signed up for a women's self-defense class.

Pink boxing gloves. Upbeat music. High-fives all around.

The instructor taught us to yell "NO!" and practiced choreographed moves on compliant partners.

I left feeling empowered.

Three weeks later, a man grabbed my arm at a gas station. Demanded money. Got in my face.

You know what happened to all those techniques?

Gone.

My mind went blank. I couldn't remember a single move. My hands were shaking so badly I couldn't have thrown a punch if I tried.

I just froze.

This is why women who've trained for years still freeze when someone grabs them.

Our training never accounted for what actually happens to the human body under extreme stress.

After the gas station, I became obsessed with finding something that would actually work.

Not in a studio with calm music.

Not against a partner who attacks exactly the way you expect.

In the chaos. The panic. The 15-second window where your life is on the line.

That's when I discovered something that changed everything:

Elite Special Forces operators don't train like martial artists.

They can't. They don't have years to master complex techniques. Their lives depend on fighting when their heart rate is through the roof and their thinking brain has shut down.

So they train around the biological kill switch.

Simple, brutal movements that work when your body is flooded with adrenaline. Techniques based on gross motor skills—the only skills that remain when fine motor control disappears.

And here's what stopped me cold:

Because when you're operating in hostile territory without backup, you can't rely on being bigger. You have to be smarter.

The program is called HAVOC—High Adrenaline Violence Of Action Combat.

Created by Adam Seegmiller, a Tier 1 Special Forces operator who spent 24 years in some of the most dangerous places on earth.

I'll be honest:

This is not a "women's self-defense" program.

There's no pink. No affirmations. No pretending violence is anything other than brutal and terrifying.

When I first saw the sales page, I almost clicked away. It's aggressive. Military. Clearly not designed for me.

Then I read this:

That's when I understood.

HAVOC isn't designed for big, strong men. It's designed for anyone who might be smaller, weaker, or slower than their attacker.

It's designed for us.

The techniques that keep Special Forces operators alive aren't effective because they're built for strong men.

They're effective because they have to work when everything else fails.

When you're outnumbered. Exhausted. Operating without weapons.

Those are the same conditions women face every day. We're almost always smaller than our attackers. Almost always at a physical disadvantage.

We need techniques that work despite those disadvantages—not techniques that pretend they don't exist.

Adam teaches the body's vulnerable points that equalize size instantly. Gross motor movements that function when your fine motor skills disappear. How to end a confrontation in seconds, not minutes. What to do when you're grabbed in a car, elevator, or bathroom stall.

But here's what hit me hardest:

He dedicates an entire section to the moment BEFORE violence happens.

The warning signs. The positioning. The verbal cues that tell you an attack is coming.

He teaches you to trust your gut. To stop making excuses for people who make you uncomfortable. To understand that your safety matters more than a stranger's feelings.

That's the lesson I wish I'd learned 20 years ago.

If you want a feel-good experience with gentle encouragement, HAVOC isn't for you.

If you believe violence only happens to "other people," HAVOC isn't for you.

But if you've ever felt that prickle of fear and ignored it because you didn't want to seem crazy...

If you've taken self-defense classes but secretly doubt any of it would work when it matters...

If you're tired of feeling like prey...

You need to see what Adam put together.

The man in that parking lot taught me something:

Predators don't choose the woman who makes a scene. They choose the woman who's been trained not to.

Don't be that woman anymore.